We can all agree that sometimes kids say the darndest things. There have even been entire shows devoted to that.
BUT. Kids are not the only ones who say the darndest things. Moms do too. And probably dads. And maybe grandmas, grandpas, teachers, aunts and uncles. . . anyone who has to deal with kids on a regular basis.
The other day I was helping my three year old finish up from the going to the bathroom. You know. I was wiping.
And then I heard myself say, "Please don't touch your butt, and then my face.
I said WHAAAT?!
Please don't touch your butt, and then my face. Nice.
So over the past week I decided to collect a list of some of the "I said WHAAT?!" things that have come out of my mouth. Here are 20 of them. Enjoy.
1. "Well, I hope you enjoy pooping that Lego out," after my son swallowed a Lego.
2. "Quit putting that pencil in your nose! Are you trying to destroy your brain?" Because logically that is exactly what will happen when you stick a pencil in your nose. Every one knows this.
3. "Stop licking bird poop!" Oh don't you worry. I screamed this one out the window. You know, because I'm trying to give my kids some independence, but really still just watch them from inside. Because, as you can see, what they do with that independence is lick bird poop off the swing.
4. "Your white angry bird is under the bag of dirty diapers in the hallway." Okay a) why is there a bag of dirty diapers in the hallways and b) how did I know that the white angry bird was under there?
5. "You will sit here until you eat all of that sandwich. You'll sit here all day and night if that's what it takes." Empty threat. Half the sandwich was eaten. The child left the table five minutes later.
6. "Why did you feel the need to pull my pants down?" This one was said to a 16 month old as she was happily toddling away. Probably full on thrilled that she had just pantsed a grown woman wearing soapy yellow dish gloves.
7. "Come here and let me smell your butt." I think that one is pretty straightforward. And I could have been saying it to any of the kids.
8."Go watch TV. Go play video games. Just please go away so I can eat." Because moms like to eat, too.
9. "Just get a chair, climb up on the counter, and get yourself a cup. But watch out for the knives." Yikes. Definitely not my best moment in parenting. But, in my defense, I think I was trying to go to the bathroom when I yelled this one through the door to the almost six year old who was whining about wanting some water.
10. "Sit down and take your shoes off as SOON as you get inside." Then as soon as we got inside, "WHY are you sitting in the middle of the doorway?!" I'm sorry, boys. Please survive living with me.
11. "Pick these Legos up, or I will throw every one of them in the trash." Yeah right. Do you know how expensive Legos are? Also, it's possible I might be the queen of empty threats.
12. "Be sure to wash really good. Get in that crack." I'll be a pro at embarrassment techniques when my kids are teenagers.
13. "I'm sorry the Xbox control doesn't work. You shouldn't have chewed through it." To be honest, it surprises me every day when the Xbox still turns on.
14. "Is that dog poop on your shoe or mud? Give it to me." WHY did I want the shoe exactly? I don't know.
15. "Chocolate chips are for grown ups only. It says so on the bag." Sometimes I lie.
16. "We don't sit on faces in this family." Because a simple "get off your brother's face" would have been too easy. Apparently my kids need to know we are NOT a family of face sitters.
17. "If you wipe that booger on me, you will be in big trouble, Mister." The Mister really gets that point across I think.
18. "I'm the one driving, so I'm the one who gets to pick the music. When you're driving your own car, you can pick your own music." I know. How cliche can I get. And why am I already having to use that cliche?
19. "I guess you'll just have to go to school naked," after I was informed by my belligerent son that he had noooo clean clothes.
20. "Someday, when we have a million dollars, you can drink all the Capri Sun you want." I just really can't wait for the day when someone asks my poor, neglected son what he would do with a million dollars, and he responds with, "I would drink all the Capri Sun I want." (It will also be interesting when he finds out that a box of Capri Sun costs $2 and a box of Diet Coke is $6. Shhhhhhhh. It's fine. Because I'm the mom. And sometimes I just need that Diet Coke.)
Reading this list makes me really glad that my kids still love me despite the chocolate chip lies, the various empty threats, and the fact that I ration their Capri Sun like crazy.